The Husbands' Retort
©2004 Lyrics By Alden Drake (Paul A. Haines)
©2003 Music By Eleanor Fairchild (Truly Biggs)
A couple of men sat a-drinkin
On deep thoughts they both were a-thinkin
Said one to the other, “Sometimes I do wonder
How long I’ll be able to hide.”
For my wife is a fussin’ and stewin’
As she makes lists of chores that need doin’
I quickly do fly, when her mother drops by
That woman I cannot abide.
We’re wonderin’ where do we get ‘em and why
Don’t they let us just stay as we are?
Oh where do we get em and why don’t they let us
Stay here at our favorite bar?
They pester, they nit-pick, they gripe, and they nag
And their logic, it doesn’t make sense
They get you in bed, and after you’re wed
They put up their headache defense.
If you knew what I had to endure
Then your pity I’d have, I am sure
Since wedding my wife, I’ve had anguish and strife
Oh of long ago days do I dream
For my wife she can’t cook a smidgen
Is this mystery meat pork or pigeon?
If it’s boiled or fried, it comes out black and dried
Now how do you burn fresh fruit and cream?
My friend, while your wife is no gourmet
Her pot roasts from catapults could slay
All our foes on the field, to a man they would yield
No deadlier force could they find!
And other such poisons she brews
Have ruined three pairs of my trews
It’s far from fine food, I don’t mean to be rude
But there’s flames coming from my behind!
Now closer to truth than to fiction
Is your colorful, yet true, depiction.
Of our wedded bliss, it is true, I do miss
The old days before you said “I do.”
And married that evil she-demon
Who ensnared you in webs of her schemin’
Though mine is no prize, she gave me five boys
Though two of them look just like you.
Alden's note: If you haven’t done so, take a look at “Where Do We Get ‘Em and Why?”, by Eleanor Fairchild. The details of the origin of her song are contained in her introduction. I happened to bear witness to the steak dinner bet that was made over the song, and was later fortunate to catch Eleanor’s performance of the resultant piece at Loch Guardian. At that point, it was suggested that someone do the male perspective of the song. Taking the tune Eleanor came up with, I privately took up the challenge and sent her my result. While I was too late to get in on the steak dinner, I am happy to share with you…